


Better Than Tinder

by artsy_hoe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Ideas, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dolores Umbridge Bashing, Explicit Language, Hermione Granger is a Good Friend, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Love Letters, M/M, Morally Grey Harry Potter, OOC Lord Voldemort, Pen Pals, Ron Weasley is a Good Friend, Severus Snape Bashing, i swear it's not as serious as it starts, like this dude's an abolitionist and everything, obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28485726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsy_hoe/pseuds/artsy_hoe
Summary: It was the end of his sixth year, and Harry was beyond done with absolutely everyone and everything.  Harry watched as the clock hit 2 am and came up with a brilliant idea, only angry, grieving, 2 am Harry could have come up with: send a letter to Voldemort.  Taking a pen and an old notepad, he poured his emotions onto the paper:Lord Voldemort, the letter started.Chaos ensues.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 35
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fudged the timeline a bit, so Harry goes straight to the Dursley's instead of Horcrux hunting till he is 17. Hermione and Ron are camping out with the Order in Grimmauld's Place and can't send letters, but haven't told Harry that. Basically, it's canon up till the summer, so Dumbledore is dead, and Harry is angry at everything. I was originally going to have it at the end of Harry's fifth year, but I wanted Harry to know more. 
> 
> Are they at war, which makes it all so much riskier and Voldemort that much unlikeable and evil? Absolutely :)
> 
> Anyway, I will be updating this fic whenever inspiration hits (I doubt my ability to juggle two semi-consistently updating fics). 
> 
> ***I edited the start of the first chapter since it was really dumb***

It was the end of his sixth year, and Harry was beyond done with absolutely everyone and everything. He had always been angry, it followed him like a shadow and comforted him like an old friend but Sirius? Being sent back to the Dursleys? Dumbledore dying? These were straws after straws, and Harry was _this_ close to exploding. 

Harry watched as the clock hit 2 am and came up with a brilliant idea, only angry, grieving, 2 am Harry could have come up with: send a letter to Voldemort. Taking a pen and an old notepad, he poured his emotions onto the paper: 

_Lord Voldemort,_

_Hey bitch. Remember me??? The kid you orphaned and sent to live with fucking abusive muggles??? It’s me again. I cannot describe how fucking sick I am of you. First off, I didn’t know who the fuck you were till I was 11 -- I didn’t know shit about the magical world -- and you turned out to be my merlin-damned teacher!! The fuck’s wrong with you??? And don’t get me started about the shit you pulled my second year. Keep!! Better!! Care!! Of!! Your!! Belongings!! So they don’t possess and try to kill people. I almost got sent back to the fucking Dursleys!! And you made me kill a basilisk! I don’t like killing snakes! >:( _

_Anyway, I got off-topic. Right! Fourth year! (You didn’t do anything memorable in my third year.) I got entered in that bloody tournament so you could fucking resurrect! And you used the rat!! He’s_ _useless_ _; you’re better off killing him. Don’t get me started about the chronic fucking pain whenever you got the slightest bit angry. What the fuck is up with that??? And that Moody guy was creepy as shit. Always licking his lips and staring wayyyy too long. Like, are all your followers weird as hell?? You used to be hot, and now you’re ugly, and that’s just mean. If you’re dead set on making my life a living hell, at least give me some eye candy._

_Don’t even get me started on fucking fifth year. Do you get off on my chronic pain and constant visions??? It’s creepy as fuck and very violating. And that Umbitch. Fucking hate her. Pretty sure ‘Mione killed the toad. And then that bitch Lestrange killed Sirius. Wanted to Crucio her right there. Couldn’t, but it’s the thought that counts._

_Then you had the audacity to fuck up my sixth year in its entirety! Fucking Malfoy and his bullshit. Fucking Snape and his mind-rape ‘lessons’ -- what a dickwad. Fucking Dumbledore and his lessons that are just a whole goddamn invasion of privacy. I did_ _not_ _need to know you were born under Amortentia, and your mom raped your dad. The fuck??? Just say you’re a psychopath and be done with it! And the fucking ‘Battle.’ You’re such a pompous asshole. Truly. Fucking Horcruxes, too. Ab-so-lu-te_ _bullshit_ _._

_To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I’m ranting to you. You aren’t even the person I hate most in the world. That belongs to Umbridge -- if she’s alive. Maybe my Aunt and Uncle. No. Now that I’m thinking about it, that honor goes to Snape. What a fucking asshole. Why is he even teaching??? He hates kids!! He has no concept of boundaries, killed Dumbledore, and acts like he’s a fucking saint for helping me when he’s doing the bare-fucking-minimum. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my letter even if this isn’t all I’m mad about in this stupid fucking world. Don't bother fucking responding._

_-Harry Potter, Boy Who is Absolutely Sick of Absolutely Everything_

And then, Harry had a morbid thought, and on a whim, added it to the postscript. 

_p. s. Are you completely snakey?? Like do you have a hemipenis and a cloaca and shit? That’s pretty badass._

With that last thought written down, Harry put it in a makeshift envelope, wrote _Lord Voldemort_ on the back, before waking up Hedwig, and sending the sleepy owl off to wherever the dickwad of a Dark Lord was. 

He then promptly fell asleep. 

Hedwig flapped her wings before teleporting, to a kilometer away -- as owls are wont to do -- from the man-of-many-names who was the ‘enemy’ of her Harry. Hedwig wondered what on earth possessed her Harry to write this letter, but she quickly discarded that thought in favor of pecking on the window. She did so for several minutes, till a sleepy, entirely human man-of-many-names angrily opened the window. 

He snatched the letter from her, read it once, then again, and then a third time, before looking at her incredulously. Hedwig just clacked her beak and hopped inside. 

Lord Voldemort stared, bug-eyed, at the notebook paper below him, before chuckling and summoning parchment, ink, and a quill. In an elegant scrawl, Lord Voldemort wrote: 

  
  


_Harry Potter,_

_Could you imagine my surprise when I received this letter at no later than 3:07 am, from you no less? And the contents! Merlin, the contents. You shan’t be afraid; I will address each concern individually. Now, I definitely orphaned you, but I most certainly did_ _not_ _leave you with abusive muggles. I wouldn’t wish that fate on any magical child -- I have some empathy, after all. That honor goes to Dumbledore, and I refuse to take credit for any of his actions. You should have lived with a magical family, most likely your Godfather or Godmother. There you would have been educated on all you need to know about being an heir to an Ancient and Noble House like House Potter, among other things._

_I do apologize for ruining your first year, but to be perfectly honest, I was far more worried about the Philosopher’s Stone than itty-bitty you. And how little you were. Why didn’t Madame Pomphrey give you nutrient supplements and potions to combat refeeding syndrome? Could you explain a bit more about your second year, because I could have_ _sworn_ _I left my diary with Axabras Malfoy in 1949? And why don't you like killing snakes? I dislike killing them due to me being a parselmouth, but I am unsure of your reasoning. I am very disappointed you had to kill Aquitaine, but also very astonished. You were what, twelve? Color me impressed._

_I was getting very desperate in your fourth year, so I won’t apologize for my actions, but I apologize for the harm that came to you because of them. And the rat does have his usefulness, but I could understand why you would dislike him. Bartemius was an excellent, obedient follower, but Azkaban and Imperius tore his mind apart for the worse. And he always had a penchant for younger boys. I believe you will be happy to know that I have fixed my appearance and only use the snake appearance for battle. Could you elaborate on your visions and whatnot? I have a few ideas, but I need more evidence to confirm them. One of the Golden Trio murdering? Tsk tsk tsk, how dark of you._

_I also won’t apologize for the actions of others. I am quite angry at Dumbledore for those lessons. Care to tell me exactly what you know? Severus Snape has always been a bitter, foul person -- one of my most loyal. He was in love with your mother and had a rivalry with your father. Fancies you a carbon copy of James Potter. And I’m quite disappointed I just barely make the top 5. Pity. I enjoyed your letter, so I would not be opposed to further correspondence._

_Regards,_

_Lord Voldemort_

_p. s. Though I despise writing down such private information, I will indulge your curiosity. I did, in fact, have a cloaca and hemipenis, but now that I am returned to my human form, I am back to human features._

Lord Voldemort turned to the snowy owl to find her perched and sleeping. _Ah_ , he thought, _it can wait till morning_ , and he sealed the letter in an envelope, writing _Harry Potter_ in a graceful script, and going back to bed. 

Hedwig, Lord Voldemort, and Harry all slept through the rest of the night (all waking up promptly at 8), unaware of the hell they had unleashed on the world. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter should be up whenever, keep a lookout if you liked it! :P
> 
> Leave a comment or come bother me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/idkwhyiexist) and [wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/user/mia_jade3) if you want!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack! How're you all doing? This chapter is Alright and I think the next chapters will just be straight letters rather than extraneous details that don't really matter.
> 
> Also!! I may not respond to your comments but I really can’t say how happy they make me!!

Aunt Petunia, Dudley, and Uncle Vernon left Harry alone to go on a day trip somewhere they didn’t inform him of, so Harry spent the entire day panicking. Why the fuck did he do that??? What in the name of magic possessed him to do so??? And where was Hedwig??? He never got the answer to the first two questions, but he did for the last one when the owl pecked on his window after the Dursleys were in bed, carrying a large letter in her talons. 

Harry sighed, opened the window, gave her a treat from under a floorboard, and stared blankly at the letter. It was crisp and heavy and pretentious as hell. Harry rolled his eyes and unceremoniously ripped it open, holding the letter in his clenched hands.  _ Oh my fucking Merlin,  _ Harry thought, reading the letter slowly, not to let any detail pass by his notice. 

Once he finished, he threw it down, flopped onto his bed, and screamed into his pillow. He did so for several minutes, till he felt rather drained of energy, and he picked up the letter again, to read it a second time. After doing so, he laughed and laughed, muffling it so the Dursley’s -- who had returned about an hour ago -- wouldn’t hear. Finally, his emotional outburst was done with, and he picked up a pen and his notepad to respond. 

_ Lord Voldemort,  _

_ Well, well, well, look who responded. How’re you doing? Torture anyone as of late? How are your brainless sycophants? And of course, I’m going to write late; my relatives hate magic. Oh, Merlin, why did I tell you about them??? You did  _ _ not _ _ need to know about them. You have empathy? I couldn’t tell. Truly. And what do you mean, Godmother? I only had a Godfather, Sirius, who Bellatrix killed. Also, what in Merlin and Morgana’s name are you talking about regarding that whole heir business? Why has no one told me?? Ancient and Noble??? Is that like the Black and Malfoy families?? Or that stupid fucking pureblood supremacist special 28 or some bullshit??  _

_ I’m pissing myself off. Next topic! I am little stop fucking talking about it. And what are nutrient supplements?? The only times I’ve ever visited Pomphrey was when I needed serious medical attention (bludger incident, post-Quirrell, etcetera, etcetera). What’s refeeding syndrome, too? Is it where someone vomits after eating too much too quickly? Not that I would know anything about that.  _

_ I would  _ love  _ to explain, in excruciating detail, what happened in my second year. First, some fucking house-elf named Dobby (don’t worry, I actually really like him, and he gets a happy ending) shows up at my house and tries to stop me from going to Hogwarts. Apparently, something awful will happen, but I tell Dobby, “No fucking way I’m staying here,” and he tries to get me expelled. Multiple times. And tries to get me killed. Multiple times. Anyway, it turns out he was the Malfoy’s house-elf and was warning me about the diary that Malfoy Sr. put in Ginny Weasley’s cauldron after he got in a fistfight with Arthur Weasley.  _

_ Yes, you read that right. The pretentious, ‘I stick my cane up my own arse for good posture,’ Lucius Malfoy got into a muggle fist-fight.  _

_ Anyways, then your diary began to possess Ginny and petrify people, etc., and  _ then  _ she threw the diary away in the abandoned girl's lavatory. I found it because Hermione was making Polyjuice Potion in there, I took it, and then I chatted a bit with Tom. Wonderful guy, truly. Captivating and interesting and likes to possess people and then try to sacrifice them in the Chamber of Secrets. He petrified a bunch of muggle-borns with the basilisk -- sorry, Aquitaine -- and Mrs. Norris, too. Not gonna lie, I was very betrayed when I went down to the Chamber and asked him for help, and he revealed he was Lord Voldemort with a fucking anagram (you are the least cool person ever, like you’re such a nerd).  _

_ After he did a swish, swish with the letters, he kept insulting everyone and me but also asking me to join him. Now that I think about it, I get really a weird, ‘pulling on pigtails’ vibe -- isn’t that the strangest thing. I got off track. Where was I? Oh right! Then he sicced the basilisk on me, and I had to kill her. By the way, I don’t know how you didn’t know this, but I’m a Parselmouth too. Thank you for the compliments, too. I didn’t know you gave them out.  _

_ Next topic! First off, we’ve all killed at least once; get off your fucking high horse. Secondly, the rat has  _ _ no _ _ uses, and you need better followers that aren’t fucking idiot pond scum. Oh wow, so you’re hot again? That’s good to know. And sure! I’ll tell you about my visions: I can see through you or Nagini’s eyes whenever you’re feeling especially ~emotional~ as in, you’re casting crucio after crucio. Very fun, very lovely. I also get chronic pain, like constantly in my scar, but you knew that. And Snape can go suck off the squid in the Great Lake, that is NO FUCKING REASON TO BE A BITCH TO AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!! Anyways, great talking to you. I hope you’re doing miserable, don’t bother fucking responding.  _

_ -Harry Potter, Boy Who Can’t Believe You Tried To Kill A Baby Over A Half-Heard Prophecy _

_ p. s. You didn’t have to say, but I appreciate it? I guess?  _

_ p. s. Thank you for the apologies.  _

At that, he sealed the note and waited till the streetlamps turned on, and handed it to Hedwig, making sure there was no one on the street before he let her out to go deliver the letter. By the time Lord Voldemort had received the letter, Harry was fast asleep, and Hedwig was not far behind, perching on Lord Voldemort’s lamp. The man in question just huffed fondly -- and wasn’t that absurd -- before quickly opening the letter and summoning ink and paper to pen a response. 

_ Harry Potter,  _ the letter began. 

_ Of course, I responded, I pride myself in being well mannered. I am doing well, thank you for asking. And you? I have not tortured anyone within the past four days, so no, not recently. My Knights are doing quite well -- as well as can be expected, that is. And I am quite miffed to hear you consider them to be “brainless sycophants.” I will have you know that before the war and Azkaban, they were quite intelligent and vicious. It is also quite unfortunate that I lost my most loyal in the war. I beg to differ, did you tell anyone of your relatives? I cannot see anyone on your side standing for child abuse. I recommend checking with the Goblins to see who your godparents are and for any other possible guardians.  _

_ Do you truly not know you are the heir to both the Potter and Black titles? I am sending you several books along with this letter that explains in simplistic terms this ‘heir business.’ It is not just stupid fucking pureblood supremacist special 28 bullshit,’ but that is a part of it. I also recommend talking to the goblins as soon as possible so that you can receive your titleships and main vaults.  _

_ Refeeding syndrome is a metabolic disturbance that occurs as a result of the improper reinstitution of nutrition in people who are starved, severely malnourished, or metabolically stressed because of severe illness. Nutrient potions help with that, and at the beginning of your first year, like the other muggle-born children, you should have gotten a medical check-up as muggles can’t always heal and/or detect issues with magical children -- magic interferes with most x-rays, CT-scans, and that sort of thing.  _

_ You did provide excruciating detail, but I quite appreciated it and will address each issue. The Malfoys are well known to mistreat their house-elves, much to my displeasure -- in fact, I dislike slavery in all forms. It is most detestable and quite out of place in modern society. I am very concerned about how Dobby went about helping you, though. It seems quite counterproductive and cruel.  _

_ I am quite a in shock. Did you say a fistfight? I am at a loss for words. When I punched Abraxas Malfoy at the beginning of my second year, he was quite stunned and did not know how to respond; I cannot imagine Lucius Malfoy willingly getting into a fistfight.  _

_ And he gave the diary, my precious Horcrux, to an 11-year-old?? I am perplexed and quite livid. We don’t have time to unpack all of the minute details (for instance, Polyjuice Potion at 12? How impressive), but Lucius will be heavily punished for losing something so precious to me. I will have you know that the anagram I Am Lord Voldemort took a lot of time, and it is quite clever because it is essentially French for flight (vol) from (de) death (mort). It is not ‘nerdy’ or ‘uncool,’ rather it is a sign of high intelligence and cunningness. I can’t say for sure if my Horcrux was actually flirting, but I do know he probably wanted you to join him, so he was most likely pulling your pigtails. You’re a Parselmouth too? How intriguing. You are so similar to me; it is incredibly astonishing.  _

_ I don’t believe everyone has killed once, but, as the youth say, ‘whatever helps you sleep at night.’ My original followers were not ‘fucking idiot pond scum,’ but I will say the quality has degraded over the years. Pettigrew has many uses, mainly being Cruciatus bait. Again, I have some theories on why you are so connected to me, but I will have to research a little more. Severus can most certainly do what you have stated so crudely. There truly is no excuse to bully children as a teacher. I await your response and hope this letter found you in good health and spirits.  _

_ Best Regards,  _

_ Lord Voldemort  _

_ p. s. You are most welcome.  _

_ p. s. I will admit I had fractured my soul to the point of insanity, so when I heard you could be my equal and foresee my defeat, my lizard brain had quickly equated that to killing a baby. I do so apologize for that, and I will not be attempting to kill any more babies.  _

Like last time, Hedwig was sleeping soundly, so after sealing the letter with a wax stamp, Lord Voldemort went back to his cotton sheets and synthetic bear blanket and promptly fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, leave a comment or come check me out on my tumblr blogs [idkwhyiexist](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/idkwhyiexist) and [crimsonpoppies](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crimsonpoppies)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you're doing alright, sorry for the late update real life was kicking my ass. As this story progresses more and more into crack treated semi-seriously, I begin to wonder what on earth went through my lizard brain to make Lord Voldemort a likable (at least I hope he is) man who reads Harlequin novels and is so, so OOC.

_Lord Voldemort,_

_Well mannered? You? I’m pretty sure murder isn’t very well mannered, so I beg to differ. I’m doing alright. Eating a little less, sleeping a little more, doing homework late at night, in the morning doing chores. You know the vibes. You had good followers? Who? Bellatrix? The Lestrange brothers? And, of course, I didn’t tell specifics, but I believe a child_ _asking_ _begging to stay over for the summer speaks for itself. And I didn’t know the Goblins controlled child welfare and all that. That seems like a lot of power for a species people don’t even treat well. And I did not know about heirships and all that, but the books you lent have been super useful as of late. I finished the first one (Heirships and Lordships for the Muggleborn), and it was fascinating. Wow, it really seems like the Goblins control a lot, so I’ll ask again, why do we treat them so poorly?_

_I didn’t know magic interferes with medical instruments. I wouldn’t know, though; I’ve never been to the doctor. My magic always healed the worst of my injuries. And I never got a medical checkup, now that I’m thinking about it, that’s really strange since I know Seamus got one (he’s a muggle-born in my dorm)._

_Wow, you and Hermione would get on really well. She has something called SPEW (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare), and I actually think it’s useful, but Ron thinks it's bonkers, so I haven’t really been super interested. I think you’d like her pamphlets. Here, I think I have an extra. I do, so I attached it to the letter, let me know what you think and if you’d be interested in hearing more or giving feedback or something. And Dobby did what Dobby thought was best. He’s actually doing a lot better now._

_And yes. Fistfight. It was in the prophet and everything. I think ‘Mione has it framed to show Ron and Malfoy Jr whenever she gets pissed off at them. And Malfoy Jr. can’t fight either. Hermione punched him a mid third year, and he went bonkers. He’s a fucking whiny spoilt brat. And you punched someone??? What a fucking mood. I wish I punched Malfoy, but Hermione deserved to deck the ferret (I have to tell you the background of that nickname one day) since he called her the m-slur._

_Why yes, Lord Malfoy did. Yes, he did. You fucking nerd, it is not a ‘sign of high intelligence and cunningness.’ It's fucking nerdy, is what it is. Anagrams have been and always will be nerdy, you little Ravenclaw (though I love Ravenclaws, they’re great). And I bet it took a lot of time. In fact, I spent some time creating a new anagram for you, and here are my favorites: Mr. Tom A Dildo Lover and Dr. Lit Vlad Romeo. Do you like them? I really like the first one, and it’s very fitting. Wow, thanks for the compliment, I guess. And yeah, I thought everyone knew I was a parselmouth after the debacle in my second year when I stopped a snake in front of my whole year. I was nearly in Slytherin, now that I think about it._

_And yeah, it does help me sleep at night -- what about it?? And Cruciatus bait might be an alright reason to keep him around, so I won’t keep railing on you for keeping the rat. And please let me know whatever you find. It’s a little weird getting your thoughts and emotions. Anyways I’m beyond bored, so I’m going to ask a bunch of random questions. You can answer them or not: what’s your favorite food? Your favorite constellation? Your favorite color? The best type of tea, in your opinion? Most recent book you’ve read? Favorite and least favorite follower? Favorite song? Worst fear? Pen or quill? If you had to be in an alternate house, what would it be?_

_I hope you’re doing miserably._

_-Harry James Potter, Boy-With-Such-A-Boring-Name-He-Could-Be-Anyone_

_p. s. Thank you, I guess._

  
  


_Harry Potter,_

_I beg to differ; murder is entirely well mannered -- have you not read bodice rippers containing pirates, bandits, or any assortment of a suave, dangerous man who most partakes in murder. I don’t believe you are doing alright, but if you say so, I shall move on. Bellatrix is a wonderful follower, and she would be a good bedfellow if we weren’t both bent beyond imagination. And what are these ‘vibes’ you are referring to? Ah, asking to stay over for the summer never works. Myself and several muggle-raised students all but got on our knees and begged to stay at Hogwarts during the London Blitz and WWII, but we were all refused. If not even a world war allows you to stay at school, I highly doubt an abusive family will._

_You are absolutely right. The Goblins have enormous power, and it is extremely, extremely foolish to cross them. They control the banks, which means they control land and wills and that sort of business. This means they control who children are meant to go in the off chance of an untimely death. Goblins control much more than just that, but I don’t have enough time to fully explain how much sway they contain as a species, and it is appalling how poorly they are treated in regards to this power. I am glad you are finding the books I sent useful -- I know I did when I was younger._

_You have never been to the doctor or had a general welfare checkup? At all? Ever? Not even when you visited for more serious issues? I find that quite astonishing and more than a little appalling._

_I am quite intrigued by this ‘SPEW’ organization created by your friend -- Hermione, was it? I quite enjoyed the pamphlet, and if you could somehow, without disclosing my identity, put us in contact, I certainly wouldn’t mind joining. And you base your decisions on what Ron thinks? I don’t believe that is a good measure of decision-making, and if you feel that pressure, I recommend talking to him and confirming whether or not that is the case._

_I must find a copy of that edition of the prophet and do as your friend Hermione has done; I do believe it might be more effective in keeping Lucius in line than the cruciatus curse. Draco Malfoy is quite a spoilt brat and quite whiny, but all Malfoys are in their youth -- whether or not they grow out of that is a coin toss. More and more, I find myself relating to Hermione, as I punched Abraxas Malfoy for utilizing the m-slur against me, fully knowing I was the Heir of Slytherin._

_I have … severely punished Lucius Malfoy for his oversight. It is most definitely_ not _nerdy and why you keep suggesting anagrams are nerdy is far beyond me. That anagram took time and effort, and it was well worth it. Lord Voldemort is a fearsome and inspiring name, not nerdy and Ravenclawish. I am quite annoyed with the mockery you have made of my name, but I suppose I prefer Dr. Lit Vlad Romeo, as it shows my high intelligence. And I am not a dildo lover. I will have you know that I embarrassed Draco Malfoy when I asked him such because I did not know what a ‘dildo’ was. You are fortunate I can no longer feel shame else; I would punish you quite severely._

_While 'everyone else’ knew, I have been kept in the dark -- something I don’t appreciate. But I did figure out what exactly you are. And that is a Horcrux. My soul was so fragmented when I went to kill you that when I killed your mother and father, my soul latched onto yours. To truly defeat me, you will have to destroy all my Horcruxes which I have taken the liberty to move from their rather obvious places to less obvious ones. That includes you._

_Onto more lighthearted subjects. I don’t have a favorite food as I will eat everything. My favorite constellation is either Delphine or Cassiopeia, as the story behind it is quite lovely. If I ever had a daughter -- which I won’t, do not worry -- I would name her Cassiopeia or Delphine. My favorite color is navy blue, and the best tea is Lady Grey, which is a lighter version of Earl Grey with lavender. I recently finished a book titled_ Ravaged by the Duke. _However_ , _I presume that isn’t what you would like to hear about, so I will tell you about the second most recent book I’ve read:_ Transfiguration’s Application to Limb and Organ Regeneration: A Study on Cohen’s Theory _. I am very aware of the title’s lengthiness; please do not remind me. My favorite follower is Bellatrix Lestrange. She is instrumental and competent. All others are below her. Besides Bartemius Crouch Jr., but he is unfortunately departed. I do not have a specific favorite song, but I enjoy Chopin, Saint-Saëns, and Liszt, among other romantic pianists. My worst fear is Death, but you likely knew that. I much prefer fountain pens, they’re much more useful, but unfortunately, I have appearances to keep up. While you might believe I would be in Ravenclaw, I would probably be in Gryffindor. I possess a very Gryffindor ruthlessness, and I do not gain knowledge for knowledge’s sake: it has a use. I -- believe it or not -- was very brash and loud in my youth. What about you? What would your answer to all these questions be?_

_Best Regards,_

_Lord Voldemort_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this chapter check out my other works, come talk to me on[my personal tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/idkwhyiexist), [my tomarry tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crimsonpoppies), or leave a comment if you want!


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